Thoughts....

Living alone gives you much time to think...About life,love and shit in that category...Well i guess that im learning and gaining much needed experience and maturity from my solitude in this tiny room in Bangsar...
Thinking about my home back in Mutiara Damansara...I realise that the thing i miss the most is my brother...I miss yelling my fucking brains out when he screws up...I miss sharing clothes with him...I miss watching TV with him and u know lah...Doing brotherly shit...He was slightly depressed from lack of family love before i left and i only pray that it has not got any worse...This is a promise i make to everyone who reads my blog...I will do my best to fulfill my responsibilities as a brother...No matter how hard or no matter what the cost...
Anyway i went to swensons with Angie,Pearly and Choi Lin today...I was feeling tired and moody so i guess i kinda threw my mood at everyone...But seeing Pearly after so long reminded me of the poem that she wrote for me years and years ago...When my hair was still black...

This is her story....

Broken Friendship...

Friends for so many years,
Went though so many things.
We shared our thoughts and dreams,
We were there for each other,
Love and trust were our foundation.

Something happened...
What we spent building throughout the years,
Was lost in just one night,
A night I will remember forever...
Trust was broken , Tears were shed,
It hurt cause i knew...
Things would never be the same.

Only time can tell,
Will we ever be the way we used to be?
I never wanted to say goodbye...
To my partner i once called....
My Friend...

I watched u grow...and u always amaze me...We fight yes...Maybe too often...But we always come through...In everyone's eyes they see you as so many different things...But to me you will always be MY little Pearly Ng Li Leng...

Stuck In This Shithole...
Sorry for not updating as much as i would like...These few days have een emotionally and physically tiring...I still dont get why people are so against me and Mel being together...But i guess that life and love are both not easy roads to travel down...
Today i woke up...Swallowed my pride and went home to attempt to talk to my mother...I miss home...But as my title suggests...Things didnt go very well...After many tears and raised voices the decision is to let me be by myself...Stuck in my room to "reflect" on my mistakes...A very sad thing in this world is that people often to find the route of the problem...The big picture...They pick on every small detail but fail to see what happened to build up to what has happened...It's like focusing on the Mona Lisa's eyes instead of grasping its overall beauty...
Sad,depressed and lonely I am...Wanting to go home...But it seems like an impossible dream...All i want is love and compassion from my family...All i get is anger,smite and isolation...It's not easy to be me...

Simple things...

It's a wonder how people go through life ignoring little little things that make us happy...or happier at least. Today was a simple day with awesome, temporary, yet uplifting incidents and happenings...here's my story...

When I woke up I went straight to Mel's house...I was tired...therefore I slept...Lying down on her bed while falling asleep she gently joined me and put her arms around me lovingly. Immediately I felt at peace and fell asleep...

The caress of someone you love...simple, small and often unapprieciated...Well after I woke we went to Swensen's! Oh the joy of having ice cream for lunch; every child's dream. Anyway after our lunch we headed down to Pasar Besar Taman Tun as Mel wanted to bake brownies...

I asked her this, "Dear, why you so semangat wanna bake suddenly?" She smiled. And she said, "They are for you, dear. Just in case you get hungry when you are alone in your room at night." Care...Compassion...

Another 2 great things we often overlook...Anyway after bringing Mel's brother for a round of DotA and a long walk back to her place, a quick shower and some talking time with Mel, we baked our brownies...Brownies filled with the Love, Care and the thoughts of someone I love...On the way back to my room while thinking of my day...I realised I was happy...it might die off tomorrow though, but at least...for today...I WAS happy =)

I love you, Melissa Tan...

Another touching and very emotional thing happened today...I recieved an e-mail from someone close and dear to me...It left me almost in tears as an extreme amount of sincerity and thought went in to it...I have asked her permission and have decided to paste it here...This is her story...

Dearest Jia, or Jia Dearest..however you like to hear it,

I'm sorry for all those hurtful words I've ever hurled at you, especially last night when you seemed to have hit the bottom. How you said I hurt you when you loved me all so much. It hurt so much to know you were hurting and more so that I seemed to be the cause of it all..my words rather, you have no idea..because I hope you know deep down inside all I want is to see you happy.

Jia, I know you're going through the roughest of rough patches and life has most certainly not been kind. I have no idea how over 5 months I rate below Angie in your life..she seems so divine, the ways she's made a difference..and I'm so mortal in comparison. I know over the past half year we've seen each other through a Sara, a Mitchell and an eventual Melissa, with stories of Jer, Adrian Lim, Ian Soo, Mmilidzi Chris, Summer School people, newfound freakyB friends and the many people in and about college along the way.

I can't quite seem to dissect and decipher how and why things have happened for you the way it did..your mum, your once-upon-a-time family by name. I just know that what He takes from you, He returns better. And from a non-believer, I'm telling you that you have to have faith. No matter how hard it gets. Trust that the Lord, your shepherd, will guide you toward the right path. God's loving kindness is greater than life itself.

You have no clue how proud I was to see you drop smoking. Or when I was just worried sick when you were admitted due to suspected dengue. Sure, sometimes I'm pathetic at showing you how I care, but I know you know that I do. I knew from the start that the three-hour phone calls were an investment, I knew they'd change both of us, me and you. You opened up doors I never knew existed, you showed me that there was so much more to life than that sunshine-filled globe..there were many deep, dark caverns..and you shone your lamp on them. The world where gangsterism does really exist..It was heart-wrenching to have to hear you break down in tears by the poolside at University Towers at that godforsaken hour. Much more so when Chyuen texted me about your being admitted to DSC. Mel and I, we were talking..and I told her..never mind what I told her.

I was more than glad when you were there at my point of breaking down at the stairwell the other time. I'm sorry I've declined your numerous invitations for lunches and such but I hope you understand where I come from.

Pardon my train of extremely incoherent thoughts, I'm still worn out from last night's 0300 Hrs bedtime. Because I woke up at 8.30am, spoke to a couple of humans before going to college to collect my results. They weren't the best, but they were fair. My second aunt brought lunch and collected her stuff that we brought back from her daughter in Aussie. Had to go to my youngest aunt's then to pass her things we bought for her. I've been poofed.

I'm glad you sought solace and comfort in words by starting a blog. Your most recent entry, your second rather, was a piece that moved me. I feel so unfit for such praise, shit face or not. You indeed have a flair for words and the pen is definitely in your control. I know you're capable of much more though, and through your rants, push yourself to hold on tighter to the pen for each stroke it makes.

You've been there for most of my downs and I hope I've done justice to that. To making your 3-person list. To being there for you enough. Words are hard to express aptly what you mean to me..but do know you've made a lasting impact that I'll take through life. Thanks for the confidence you've always had in my abilities, your praise about my supposed intelligence..everything. We've shared our ups, little or large they may be. And I hope you've learnt, benefitted, and grown through whatever life's thrown at us.

You're a deep guy, and I hope you search deep within yourself and note that your capabilities simply hit the sky. The chips are down but strive to make your million, by working in the direction that you need to..

..and I'll be there for you. Always.

I'll never match up to what and who Melissa will always be. But I've accepted you, flaws and all, and sometimes when I don't sieve through my words it appears like last night- I make you look like a fucking loser. But I know you're not one. And do know that I think that way. I hope we remain friends, through time. Our keeping in touch has been too damn costly, but it's well worth so long as you're okay.

I hope you find your silver lining soon, because life's been so so so stormy of late and it's something you so richly deserve. When all the dark seems to cloud you, look up and I'll be there shining like a star..just for you.

Hang in there, and don't let this tsunami drown you. I know you have what it takes to get past this, and I want you to make this life a good one..for yourself..for the ones you love. Press on and make things happen Jia. Make me proud.

Love you,
Sher Reen

People...especially people who love us with all their hearts and only wat the best from us often want us to want the same things that they want...Sher you are, as they say in the movies, "The Shit!" or "Da Bomb". Words that spout from your mouth are so real...so true...and so sincere...

You being there for me has helped me through so much...from student council elections, lessons in love, pain, suffering and joy...You give me another reason to smile...As I write this my eyes are red for tears are fighting to be let go. But you taught me to be strong. Sher, you once told me that I must find the silver lining in every situation. But you fail to realise..

.. that YOU were that silver lining in most of them...

I Love You too...

Lim Sher-Reen 2005

Sigh...an uneventful day...
Nothing much happened today I guess...another day at Mel's place...lunch with a different Mellissa before that..It was nice to catch up with Mellissa though as she is one person that I've known for so long yet we did not really keep in touch. The bitching was fun and the food was good...
Since nothing particularly earthshaking happened in my life today...I think it's time to tell the world about the 3 ladies that changed my life and evolved me into the almost-decent person I am now. This is my way of saying Thank You for everything I guess...

First off~!!
Angie Li Yuet Jia
Gie,
Thanks for filling in what my mother left out- Care, Compassion and Love for me...
Because of you im in college...
Because of you i didnt drop out of high school...
Because of you i haven't jumped off a building...

I LOVE you...And i know i dont tell you that i do very often but remember...I'm always thinking of you and everything youu have done for me...

Secondly~!
Sher-Reen,Lim
Dua Chi,
Thanks for always showing me the silver lining. The life left in the graveyard...however deep I buried myself you were always there with a huge shovel, ready to dig me out...
Thanks for the laughs, the 3-hour phone calls, for introducing me to a group of people that have changed me in so many ways. Thanks for giving me the SHIT face the first time you saw me...

You changed my life Sher...And I will always LOVE you for that...

Lastly~!
Tan Li Hsia,Melissa
Baby Dear Sweetheart Sayang,
Through this shitty time that I'm going through...I knew I had a partner in you to help me through it. I never EVER tell you that I LOVE you enough...That when you smile I forget everything and I'm reminded that I'm happy I have you...5 months and you have impacted me more than almost everyone or anything...When I'm with you nothing else matters..When you are away all I want is you to hug and to hold...We both know that everything is against us, but through our little fights and disagreements my feelings for you just grow stronger...I LOVE You, Dear...
More than anyone can ever imagine...





Well that's it from me...Why dont you guys sit back a moment and think about the people...or even person that has changed you and write a Friendster testimonial for them. Sometimes all they want is for you to remind them how much you love them...Who are your 3 special people?

Phew... Finally my first post....

Well people...if you came to read about birds, sunshine and ice cream cones on a hot day...you have visited the wrong blog...This is a blog belonging to a seemingly carefree and happy person when in truth he's suffering and hurting on the inside...

Nope...rarely anything happy here.

Sorry for the crappy introduction and first post but figuring out how to use a blog is damn complicated...as you can see at the "About Me" section on the sidebar ----> I happen to be slightly mentally incapable of operating a blog by myself.. =)

As you read my day by day ramblings, I hope that you learn to apprieciate life and all its little little details that we often overlook. Such as a clean comfortable bed to lie upon before we whisper off into slumber. Your parents who provide unconditional love and a roof over your heads. Your pet guinea pig or little puppy which you neglect to feed. A shower with hot water and a toilet bown to lay your golden buttocks upon while disposing of yesterday's digested lunch. A car to drive around. The bottomless allowances that we finish in a day or two. The way your girlfriend smiles and everything in the world seems right.

Well my readers I had all of the above, yet I was not happy enough and took everything for granted. I stopped loving the things I loved, caring for the people I care about, telling the people whom I love the most that I love them...

Well thats my introduction and first post. A lil' long winded if you ask me...but I would like to remind everyone that life's lessons are learnt the hard way...

Please...tell your mom that you love her tonight...I know I didn't before I left her...